


The Right To Love

by sheakspaere



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: 1960s, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:34:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22635211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheakspaere/pseuds/sheakspaere
Summary: "Maybe I'm just too young to keep good love from going wrong."Brian was 16 when he realized that love may never find him...
Relationships: Brian Epstein/John Lennon, Brian Epstein/Original Male Character(s), Cynthia Lennon/John Lennon, John Lennon/Original Male Character(s), John Lennon/Paul McCartney
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	1. plot

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this fanfic in 2018 and stopped writing with only 1 chapter up bc 1) writing in english as a non-native speaker is rly hard and 2) I don't think anyone but me is interested in a fic about brian epstein lmao. 
> 
> but after coming back I decided that I need to write this for me if anything else!
> 
> so if anyone is for some reason reading this i appreciate you as a reader and would love to read whatever you have to write about it.
> 
> but you no one is reading it then it's cool too!

**Liverpool, 1956**

“Excuse me, are you Harold Epstein?”

Brian turned around, slightly surprise as he took in the image of the small public bathroom, fully expecting to see his father standing there. Instead, he saw a man around his age leaning with his back against the cold bathroom tiles. He was looking directly at Brian; his right hand in his pocket as the other played with the button of his coat. His hair was blonde and his face was square and strong; appearing to be something out of a Tennessee Williams play, but his clothes weren't able to sell the image, Brian noticed, as he swept his eyes throught the man's body. He guessed his suit was supposed to make him look fancy, but it was too lose in some parts to be presented as a legit piece of clothing.

“Beg your pardon?” Brian responded, forcing his eyes into the man's face after noticing that he may have had stared for a little longer then socially accepted.

“Are you Harold Epstein?” The man repeated, his eyes focused on Brian's face.

“No, that would be my father.”

He waited for the other man to say something; but he didn't. He just kept himself still, his eyes dancing around Brian's face, as if searching for something there. Brian moved under the man's stare, feeling uncomfortable with the silence that followed.

He was about to say something to fill the silence (something about bad weather, he thought) when the door of one of the toilets opened and a teenage boy appeared and went throught the door.

 _Didn't even wash his hands._ Brian noticed, feeling slightly disgusted.

He gave the man in front of him a little nod, supposing they finished talking, before entering the toilet. He wasn't there so he could use it, obviously. Brian Epstein wouldn't be caught dead using a public toilet. But he supposed he didn't have many choices to find man like him, so cruising was his best option. It was that or hustlers, and he knew from experience that the later wasn't something that was safe for someone with his background.

He hasn't done it in awhile thought, being so focused on his acting classes gave him barely any time to do anything else. And was for his horrendous surprise that, on the one day that he decided to go searching for sex, he went face to face to someone who, apparently, knew his father.

He wasn't worried that the man would talk to his dad about their encounter. What was there to tell, really? What would his father question him about, really? _'Why were you using the bathroom ?'_ Now that sounds stupid. Also, this man didn't seem to know his father by physical presense, since he mistakely thought Brian was him.

Either that or Brian did look more like his old man then he would like to think.

He sitted in silence on the toilet cover for a few minutes, looking at the wall doodles and trying not to gag with the strong scent that filled his nose as he heard the movimentation on the outside.

Doors opening, water running and then, finally, silence. He stood up and flushed down the toilet just in case there was someone else on the outside.

He decided that it was enough cruising for a day, even if he didn't get what he wanted. The fear of being caught was enough to hold down his urges.

He opened the door and jumped a little bit, shocked as he saw the man from earlier still there, now standing next to the sink, facing him. _Okay, now that is odd._ Brian thought, quickly looking around him, noticing that all the toilet doors were open.

No one insade; just the two of them.

He awkwardly acknowledge the man as he walked forward, trying to swallow the fearful feeling that started to rise inside his chest as he started washing his hands.

As he did so, he could feel the man's stare on the side of his face, sending chill's down his spine.

Who was this man? Why was he waiting for him? What did he want? Was he there to blackmail him? The last thought made his breath catch in his throat; his eyes already watering up.

 _For fuck's sake, don't be such a sissy._ he cursed in his mind, turning down the tap and moving so he could dry his hands; turning his face away from the man, praying that he didn't noticed the redness on his cheeks or the wetness of his leshes.

Gosh, he already could see his father's face: twisted in shame, disgust and anger as he signed the check. His own face twisted with the same mix of emotions; more shame then anything else.

“I'm Eric.”

He jumped, feeling slightly desoriented with the abrupt voice interroping his mental breakdown. He turned around, hoping that his face didn't give away his vivid fear. But the man was smilling an all american smile. Straight teeth and all. Not seeming to notice Brian's struggle.

“I am so sorry. You must think i'm a creep for the way i acted.” The man said with a tick scouse accent. Brian wasn't sure how to answear, so he just gave the man a nod of his head, his lips glued togethed. He threw away the paper he was using to dry his hands and just stood there, his heart pounding on his chest as he looked at his hands, trying not to give away anything. Of all days, this was the one he had to run into a blackmailer?

When the man saw he wasn't getting much besides a single nod, he extended his hand. “Let's start again, I'm Eric.”

 _I heard you the first time._ Brian bitterly thought, but instead said, his voice low and weak as he shook the man's hand. “I'm Brian.”

“I'm sorry, i don't think i catched that.”

Brian cleared his throat, trying to stand a little taller as he said “Brian Epstein. I suppose you wanted something to do with my father?”

There: direct and authoritarian. He almost could feel his dad's supporting hand on his back.

The man - Eric - seemed slightly surprised with Brian response, but quickly gave a small laugh to cover it up. “Yes, yes. I was meaning to talk to him but i guess you'll do.” He said, his hand in his pocket as he looked around the room before turning to look at Brian again. “I bought a piano from his store last week, the colour wasn't much of my liking. Didn't quite match the curtains in my living room.”

The rush of relief that runned throught Brian's body in hearing the man's words was unbelieveble. He laughed, not worrying how ridiculous he looked. He could even hear Allan's voice on his mind. _“Gosh Brian, you are such a dramatic fag.”_

“Oh.” Was the only thing he said, his voice sounding out of breath. He was still laughing a little bit; supporting himself with his hand on the sink.

“I was wondering if it was possible for me to change it?” Eric said, frowning a little bit at Brian's reaction.

 _Problably thinks i'm crazy_ Brian thought, smiling a wild smile as he answeared light hearted. “Of course, you can pass by the store any time and any employee can make the devolution.”

“Bee's knees”

They stood there in silence for a few seconds, so Brian decided that it may be time for him to go home; exausted with the rollercoaster of emotions that he'd dealt with moments ago.

He was about to give the man his goodbyes when a hand on his chest stopped him. He looked at Eric in surprise, watching as the other man withdrew the hand quickly, as if he was not supposed to touch him. “I like your jacket, where did you bought it?”

If it was at any other moment, Brian would have had immediately corrected the man, his fashion snob trait flowering up in an ugly manner. But now he just blushed, feeling unsettled with the man's proximity. He looked at the man's face.

He has blue eyes, he noticed. Brian never had meet someone with blue eyes. It sounds stupid when you say it out loud, but he lived in a place where everyone kind of looked the same: pale with dark hair and dark eyes. This man though, was the tall, dark and handsome type, with sharp jawline and impecable white teeth.

 _He doesn't even look british._ “I sewed myself.” Brian said, taking a small step back to create more space between the two of them.

“Wow, that is plenty impressive.” Eric said, his eyebrows slightly raised in a showcase of surprise.

Brian held himself a little higher with the compliment. His good eye for fashion and his ability to sew was two of the things he took pride of. “Oh, it's not much of a big deal.” He said with a dismissive gesture, even though he was just saying it so the man in front of him didn't think he was a show-off.

“No, no, it really is.” Eric objected, taking another step closer to him. And this time Brian didn't stepped back, feeling more comfortable in the other man's presence. “I wish i could do such a thing.”

Brian scooted his eyes quickly throught Eric's clothes, an playfull smile on his lips “Well, it looks like you could use some of the knowledge.”

Something flicked throught the man's eyes, and Brian worried that he may have had offended him with his joke. But whatever it was it was gone as quickly as it appeared, and the other man chuckled. “Yes, you are right. I suppose I'm not really good at this sort of stuff. Fashion in general, i mean.”

“Oh, but you must know something. ” Brian started “From what you said you seem to have an eye for interior design.”

“Yes, yes, i do enjoy it.” Eric said quickly and dismissively, caughting Brian out of guard by the sudden reaction before continuing. “Maybe you could teach me one of this days? Sewing, i mean. ”

Brian shot his eyebrows, a little confused by the man's request. “Of course.” He said exitantly. What was an odd request to ask a complete stranger.

“Perhaps, at my house? Maybe tonight if you have the time?” Eric continued, looking at him expectatively. His body was now completely in front of Brian, having barely any space between them. His eyes were frenetic, as if he was searching the answear on Brian's face. And just them Brian realized the implications of what the other man was saying.

“Oh.” He whispered, his face heating up and a shy - yet pleased - smile appearing on his face. He lowered his head, looking coyly at the man throught his eyelashes. _Like a schoolgirl dropping her pencil._ Mark once had said to him. “I could arrange that.” He said softly and watched as the man swalloed hard; his pants already tighting with the vision and his heart pouding louder with the promise of sex. _God, it really has been awhile._ Brian thought to himself.

They stood there for a moment, waiting for something to happen; for the other to take action. Brian was never the one to initiate things, he liked to play it coy, dropping hints here and there until he got the response he was looking for; but he supposed the other man had made most of the work so far, so he stepped in closer and reached for Eric's jacket.

A movement on the corner of his eye catched his attention and, without having any time to react, he felt something cold embrasse his pulse. The shock of the sudden contact making him lose a little bit of his balance.

He looked at Eric in confusion, seeing the man looking at him with a hard stone expression on his face, no longer looking like the nice lad Brian was talking to minutes ago. With the realization of his situation, Brian collapsed in tears, his brain barely registering the other man's voice. “I hope you have a good attorney, Mr. Epstein.”


	2. And I don't know who I am meant to be

He was 14 when he realized it.

  
He didn't have a label to put on it, but he knew he was different. He always did, actually; the kids in his school made sure that he didn't forget about it. 

  
He was that one jewish guy. The guy with the posh accent. The guy who spoke way too softly. 

  
He wasn't like the other boys; with their rough ways and loud mouths. Always rolling in the dirt and playing fight. Brian didn't fit in with them. Didn't fit in with anyone really.

  
Too soft for the boys and too rough for the girls. 

  
His only friend was Mark, the son of one of his dad's employees. Brian was astonished when he first meet the other boy. He didn't even mind that he had to share his wooden toys or that he couldn't eat all the cookies in the basket.

  
He never had a friend. The only other child he played with was his brother Clive, whom Brian didn't like playing with all that much since he was way too young and stupid in Brian's eyes. And then there was his cousins, who were all nice and all, but Brian couldn't handle more then half an hour stuck with them.

  
But Brian liked Mark; he was clean and polite, and he enjoyed musical theatre as much as Brian did. Plus, he didn't call him mean names or made fun of his voice. 

  
The both of them were as close as finger and nail, and the more they grew together, the more people around them started noticing it. 

  
His dad questioned him about it once and Clive kept making fun of him with his friends whenever they were home.

  
Brian tried to bring it up once, when they were doing their math homework in his room. 

  
“Don't you think it is weird that we don't have any friends?”

  
Mark looked up from his notebook, his face impassive. 

  
“We are friends.” He said as it was obvious. 

  
“I know that.” Brian said quickly, sitting up from where he was spreaded in his bed. They never fought, and they weren't about to do it now.

  
“I mean, don't you notice how the other lads never invite us to their parties? Or how we are always the last ones to be picked to play football?”

  
“Well, yes. But i don't mind it.” Mark said, and then asked carefully. “Do you?”

  
Brian paused a little bit, and then responded with a quiet “not really.”

  
“Also…” Mark continued. “…it's not like we have much in common with the rest of 'em. We are nothing like 'em.”

  
“Really?”

  
“Yes, i mean, it's kind of obvious isn't it? we don't like the same things as 'em. They don't have good taste.” 

  
“How so?” Brian said, even thought he knew the answear.

  
Mark rolled his eyes “None of 'em enjoy the true art that is opera or showtunes, for example.”

  
Brian laughed a little bit before saying “They dress as if they were blind.” They both laughed at their inside joke.

  
A silence followed, and Mark turned around in his chair, going back to his own homework. But Brian kept looking at him, his lower lip stuck between his teeth with wonder and nervousness.

  
“I notice how we don't talk about girls as much as they do.” He said, looking to see if the other boy would react in any way.

  
Mark didn't turn around to look at him again, but Brian could see that he had stopped writting. After a long pause, he shrugged.

  
“I guess so.”

  
After that, he decided to invite Grace Mulaney to a date.

  
She said yes and they decided to go to the movies.

  
His dad seemed to be really proud of him for that, even paying for everything without making him do extras chores. His mom helped him pick a proper outfit as his brother pulled faces at him, making him chuckle. Seeing how he was distracting Brian, his mom scolded Clive, telling him to check with his father to see if he needed any help closing the store.

  
When he arrived at Grace's house, she complimented him on his suit and he did the same to her, even thought he tought her dress wasn't that impressive.

  
They watched Red River. Brian bought them a big bowl of popcorn and, after they were finished with it, they holded each other's greasy hands throught the rest of the film. 

  
After it was over they went to a nice restaurant. There, Brian quickly learned that they didn't have much to talk about. They tried to talk about music; she liked pop music, but Brian didn't knew a lot about it, only being able to name a few bands and singers because of what he saw at his dad's shop. He tried to bring up literature, but she said she didn't like to read. He tried movies, and she said she did enjoy it, but didn't have the money to go to the theatre.

  
Seeing that they couldn't talk about their interests, Brian talked a little bit about his family; but as he did so, he couldn't help but notice the pitiful look she had in her eyes.

  
 _She's thinking about the war._ He thought. 

  
“I want to be a fashion designer.” He blurted out, a desperate attempt to have a conversation. But this random piece of information seemed to not work on Grace, who looked kind of disappointed.

  
“Blinding.” was all she said.

  
They eated in silence after that. 

  
When it was time to go, Grace said her brother would pick her up, so Brian offered to wait with her so she wouldn't be alone. 

  
She kissed him on the side of the restaurant; It was sloppy and tasted like hamburger and vanilla milkshake.

  
 _I don't think i like kissing,_ he tought.

  
They broke it off after they heard a car coming closer.

  
“It's my brother.” She said and kissed his cheek before walking to the black automobile. She waved at him before entering it, but his eyes were not on her, instead focused on the man sitting behind the wheel. He was tall and well build, wearing what seemed to be a Millitary uniform; his white shirt hugging his biceps and arms. Brian felt his stomach kicking with this now so familiar feeling and immediately looked up, a blush spreading throught his face.

  
As he did so, he notice the man looking at him. They stared at each other for a moment, and then the man gave him a little secretive smile before driving away. 

  
He kissed Mark the day after that.  
He decided he , indeed, liked kissing.

* * *

  
He was nineteen when he first realized that his sexuality would be more of a problem to him then just being the victim of beatings and rotten stares.

  
He was on the military for only a month before getting discharged for cruising. He went home with a psychiatrist note and a warning from his superior.

  
So when dinner time came, his dad didn't look at him and his mom didn't say much besides “Brian, aren't you hungry? You barely touched your peas." 

  
The only one that looked at him was Clive, and even without looking up from his plate, Brian could feel the hate dripping from his younger brother's eyes.

  
After they eaten, Brian offered himself to clean the table.  
“That would be lovely, Brian. I feel like i could use the rest. Your father will help you.” His mother said before going to her room; his brother was nowhere to be seen.

  
They cleaned it all in silence.

  
Afterwards they went to the living room. Brian stood a little bit behind, holding himself on the door frame as he watched his father light up the fireplace before sitting on the sofa with a tired grunt. 

  
It was an odd feeling, not knowing where he stood with his parents. His family really did follow the stereotype of the loud jewish people who didn't hesitate in saying exactly what they tought. If they were happy with him they would say it, if they weren't, they would say it louder, but now?  
Nothing.

  
He didn't like not knowing.

  
“We don't know what to do with you Brian.” His father said out of the blue, but Brian wasn't surprised by his words.

  
He didn't knew what he was going to do with himself either. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things about the story:
> 
> Mark is not Brian's romantic interest in this, they are only friends and ex 'lovers' (kinda). I will explore their relationship further into the story, so bare with me.
> 
> BTW he is inspired by an actual friend Eppy had and they actual had the convo about 'not talking about girls as much as other guys do'.


End file.
